Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Mindful Musings | A Note To Men In Nightclubs/Bars

Hello everyone! I hope you're all enjoying the last of this wonderful summer.

I have a few things to vent about today...

I went on a night out the other day to Leeds with one of my best friends and we had an amazing time. We hadn't been out together since February on account of her working and me being away at university so this was well overdue and I was really looking forward to it.

We had a brilliant time however a few things, or rather people, nearly ruined it for me. Truthfully, they didn't ruin it at the time because I was a bit too drunk for them too bother me then, but now I've looked back at it I am becoming increasingly infuriated.

I won't go into the specific details but in reaction to the incidents/comments that occurred on my night out, I have a few things I'd like to say to men in nightclubs/bars:

1. Just because its now late at night/early in the morning, it does not mean no one will notice or care if you're a whore.
I'm not that drunk that I don't judge you for trying it on with every girl in the building. You physically disgust me.

2. I go out in town to dance. I repeat, to dance.
Unbelievable I know, that I should go somewhere which provides an environment for exactly that purpose so that I can enjoy myself by dancing until the early hours, but that is my reason. If I wanted to go out to meaninglessly get with five men in one night, I'd join a swingers club. If you can't tell from my ridiculous dancing that it is all I want to do that evening, then you're an imbecile.

3. I am perfectly willing to dance with people I don't know, as long as I give my consent.
If a guy grabs my hand and starts dancing with me, as long as I'm ok with it and say so, I am perfectly happy to dance with him. As I've previously mentioned, I go out to dance, so I don't mind dancing with people. If you try to start dancing with me and I walk away or say no, following me round the club and trying to physically pull me away from my friends will not encourage me to dance with you. Instead you'll end up with a restraining order.

4. If I dance with you but do not want to kiss you, that does not make me a tease.
Did I say I was going to kiss you then refuse to at the last minute? No. That would make me a tease. If I'm dancing with you thats because that is all I want to do. If I wanted to kiss you, you'd know about it. I wouldn't purposefully tease or lead anyone on, thats just cruel.

5. I dress up for a night out in town because I want to look good. I do this for myself.
Not for anyone else's benefit, but for my own. I get dolled up with a nice dress and I take special care with my hair and makeup because I want to feel good about myself. Please believe me when I say, I could not care less what you think or whether you like it. I don't know you, so why would I care? Your opinion, regardless of whether its good or bad, will not have any effect on me. The sun will still rise in the morning and I will go about my life no differently because of your opinion, so please keep it to yourself.

6. If I'm wearing a skin tight or short dress, it does NOT imply the following things;
 - I am out "to pull".
 - I am wearing it to attract attention to myself.
 - I give you permission to touch me. Anywhere. Get your fucking hands off me.
 - I am being a tease.
The most likely reason I'm wearing this dress is because I like it, I don't give a shit if you do. The decision to wear it was mine, your opinion is irrelevant. Did I know you before I came out? No, so why on earth would I care?

7. If you say to me "Kiss me" and I say no, please respect that decision and either carry on dancing with me, or go away.
I am a human being, not a inanimate object. I have a right to do whatever I want to, the same way you do. If you ignore my response and continue trying to shove your tongue down my throat, you'll end up with a slap. Additionally, telling me to "Chill out" because you're ego can't deal with rejection, will result in you being told very sharply to fuck right off. I do not need to chill out and I certainly do not need some drunken, horny, stranger telling me to do so. Seriously, fuck off.

8. Three minutes worth of conversion does not mean I am any more likely to kiss you than if I knew nothing about you.
Just because I now know maybe your first name and where you're from, I am not bursting with desire. If this surprises you than you seriously need to keep your ego in check. There are 3.5 billion of you men on the planet, your name and current city of residence does not make you special.

9. Saying to me "You're so fit" is the most pathetic and laughable way you can attempt to seduce me.
I mean really? Is that honestly the best you could come up with? How long were you working on that line? A whole of one second? If you even consider repeating those words to me you can just leave, you clearly do not care enough to give me more than a seconds thought. Forgive me if I'd care for a little more. Up your game, its embarrassing.

10. It is perfectly acceptable for my boundaries and standards to be different from yours.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and is allowed to do whatever they want, within reason. If you want to go out and get with someone, fine by me as long as that person is similarly comfortable with it. If your expectations are higher than mine, that does not mean I have to meet them. I am allowed to decide what I do and what I don't do, that decision does not belong to you. If you don't like my decision or my boundaries, fucking lump it. Your ego is the least of my worries.

11. Just because I don't want to kiss you does not make me frigid.
Or rather the adjective I got on this particular instance; "timid". I'm not fucking "timid", I'm just not interested. There is a difference. I shake my hips a lot when I'm dancing because thats just how I dance, do you seriously think I would be dancing as boldly as I do if I was frigid? Lack of interest is why I don't want to kiss you. If you have to pretend theres something wrong with me so your ego doesn't get bruised, then grow the fuck up.

12. Keep your hands to your fucking self.
Trust me, you do not need slide your disgusting hands across my waist or arse whilst trying to move past me. We can all see the metres distance between me and the next person that you're trying to walk through. Therefore there is no reason for you to press your body up against mine and touch me whilst trying to walk past. Alcohol consumption by either party does not give you "touching rights", which by the way is a disgusting and fictitious concept. You have no right to touch me. Just because I've had a drink does not mean I will not punch you and call you a twat for molesting me. Also saying "Excuse me" does not make it forgivable, you dickhead.

I think this is the end of my complaints list, however I still feel irritated because I don't feel I've expressed myself well enough because my fury is clouding my grammatical judgement. I still feel too wound up by some of these things that I can't think or write coherently and articulately. I apologise for the swearing but this is how infuriated I can become by these things.

I am a feminist and I hate the bad reputation it currently has as a group of angry women violently fighting for our rights. Whenever I get in a discussion about gender equality I always try to remain as calm as possible as thats the best way to be persuasive, but women go through this way too often for me to remain calm anymore. I do not deserve to have my night ruined because of some arsehole who thinks he can touch me just because he's drunk and we're in a dark room. Quite often I purposefully cover myself up in high collared tops or jeans on a night out specifically so I don't get groped and yet it still happens. I shouldn't have to alter my wardrobe because I'm worried I'm going to be harassed, especially when the outfit I want to wear isn't inappropriately revealing anyway.

Right, I better shut up before this post gets even longer and I anymore angry. If you're reading this and are guilty of any of the offences listed above, please think seriously about your actions and how it affects us women. It might seem like nothing to you but feeling violated should not be a regular part of a night out. Respect people's decisions, they are humans too. But be warned, if you act like a pig, you'll be treated like one.

Speak to you soon.


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